Lucy

I didn’t know how or what to write this weekend. I was sort of paralyzed with fear, anxiety, and dread. My cat has taken a turn for the worse, and she announced that fact to me right when I arrived home on Friday afternoon, by getting sick right at my feet as I came through the door. She hasn’t moved much from her “deathbed” for the past three days. She is weak, she is tired, and she is hanging on- for the time being.

I am just not quite ready to make THE decision that I know is coming, we all know is coming. Selfish, maybe. I just don’t want to jump the gun. Lots of people seems to be trying to prod me to make THE decision, but I’m just not there yet. I don’t think she’s quite ready to go.

And although I certainly don’t want her to go yet, I don’t want you to think that I will allow her to suffer. I don’t really think she is, she is just losing steam- fast.

And I was paralyzed thinking about all of this for most of my weekend.

Which is why I didn’t post.

I hear a lot of feedback from the people that read my blog that tell me that I am very “real”, that I write honestly, and that I say things that resonate with others. I’m proud of that. I’m proud of the fact that I am an emotional basketcase right now. It is one of the traits about myself that I actually embrace: I feel.

Highest highs and lowest lows.

And everything in between.

Unfortunately, I sometimes wear them on my shirt sleeve and I have the type of personality that infects everyone in the room, so when I’m good everyone feels it, and when I’m bad? Take cover…

Of course it goes without saying that I am heartbroken over my sweet cat. I was making plans to take Lucy home with me before she was even born. Mikayla was her Mom’s name, a friend’s cat that was about to have a litter of kittens. It was late 1997 and she was due in Jan 1998. I brought a 6 week old little black fur ball home to my apartment in March of 1998, four months before I would meet Big D who would eventually become my husband.

See, she’s been with me through it all. Back in 1997, I decided I needed a companion to help mend my broken heart from a relationship that had ended badly. Lucy perked my spirits and brought lots of laughs as she got into all sorts of trouble as a curious little kitten. When Big D entered our lives, she had to share me and she didn’t like that much. To this day, she still holds a grudge against Big D!

She has taken our crazy lives in stride. Quite the avid traveler, she made several cross country trips with me back and forth from Texas to Michigan and after I married, she even went international when we moved to Venezuela! Trusting and patient, I have asked a lot from a little black cat who craves quiet and solitude. She has had to befriend other cats, big dogs, little dogs and kids, and endure airports and travel bags, and even disposable litter boxes in car floorboards and hotels.

We’ve had a wonderful twelve years together and I am devastated that they are coming to an end. So if I’m ‘out of sorts’ this week, now you know why.

My heart just isn’t in my writing. It’s with someone else…

Lucy.